FINDING THE GOOD IN OTHERS
Spencer Ray, Senior Vice President and Chief Human Resource Officer
Recently, my wife and I took our two youngest daughters to see the very popular musical production, Wicked. While I won’t go into the depths of the plot, there are two primary characters that unexpectedly have seemingly mundane interactions that ultimately have a momentous impact on them, and how each views the world. This is captured in one of the highlights of the performance – a song called, “For Good”. Although I appreciate all of the lyrics, here are a few selected portions that really resonate with me:
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good…
As I think on those powerful words, I am brought back to my childhood. I grew up in a rather large family – 5 brothers and 2 sisters. My two older brothers and I were often very critical of my younger sister (about 18 months younger than I am). She would come to us with a new dress, and would ask what we thought. Immediately, we would respond with a multitude of unkind retorts. Who cares? Why do you bother us with that? Etc. Of course, my little sister would cry and go tell my parents. So, my dad gave us clear instructions: “If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”
Following, my sister came back after that episode and asked us what we thought of her new dress. Silence. We didn’t say anything. I know. Terrible, huh? My sister is very intelligent and knew exactly what we were insinuating, so she went and told my parents again, and we got in trouble once more. I’ll never forget my dad’s counsel in that moment, though. He taught us something that I consider very profound and still remember vividly to this day: “If you don’t have something nice to say, then keep looking.” What an innovative approach! If you can’t immediately identify a kind thing to say, then you need to keep looking until you do. In some cases, that may take a bit longer. However, if you’re looking for the good and the positive in people, it’s there in everybody. Conversely, if you’re looking for the negative and the ugly in others, you’ll find that too…in everybody.
How often are we quickest to judge, to belittle, to treat unkindly those that we know best – and should be most kind to? I am afraid that sometimes we treat complete strangers with more respect than we do our families, friends, and co-workers. A mentor of mine summed it up with this insightful question: “Why do we find fault in others as if there were a prize for it?”
How does this concept of “looking for the good” translate into our professional lives with Goodwill? Sometimes we misunderstand and think it means that we just always pretend everything is okay. Alternatively, we lower our expectations, or we celebrate mediocrity, when in reality we should be requiring excellence. Unfortunately, the resulting “artificial harmony” that comes from these approaches is even more destructive because we tend to still find fault, lay blame, and expose weaknesses to everyone – except the individual who actually needs to hear the feedback. What we need to do is maintain our high expectations, but approach it differently when those expectations aren’t met. It is still very possible to be kind, but firm. Compassionate, yet clear. Respectful, yet demanding.
A few years ago, I came across the following quote that teaches this point far more eloquently than I ever could:
“None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we’re trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?” – Marvin J Ashton
Specifically, this is what that could look like here at Goodwill:
• Your coworker continues to miss deadlines on a critical part of a team project. Rather than getting frustrated or deciding that the coworker is trying to sabotage the project, ask him what you can do to help.
• While talking to a group of friends prior to a meeting, you see somebody standing apart from the group, all alone. Rather than assuming that the person is simply awkward or antisocial, go and connect with her and invite her into the group.
• The newest member of your team consistently misses her production numbers each day, and you see that a big contributor is that she isn’t following the correct procedure. Instead of deciding that she just isn’t cut out for this role, find a moment to talk with her. Share with her that you really want her to be successful, and offer to help train her on the proper procedure.
• During a team meeting, everybody begins to criticize the team member who isn’t present that day. Rather than jumping into the fray, remind everybody of the Trust Pledge. If this feedback is important, it should be shared directly (and respectfully) with the team member.
I am confident that if we spend more time looking for “the good”, we’ll find it. And when we find it, let’s recognize it, build on it, and work together to improve. Then, in some future day, one of your co-workers can look back on the extensive interactions with you – the successes, the challenges, and the resulting growth along the way – and proudly confirm that you were consistently kind and repeatedly respectful. They will remember that you inspired them to be their best. Indeed, that you changed them “for good.”
